Ace’s Magical Words

Balls Out: A physical challenge, is now available on the Kindle.  It’s also available on the ipod touch, iphone, and ipad via the iBook app.

And of course, the book is free.

And duh, I wrote it.

On Vacation

Stay tuned for more gags, laughs, fun, and excitement.

Weekend Achievement #4: See it, Take it

Okay peeps, I’m going to make this one easy for you. Go out and fuck the first chick you see. I don’t care if she’s black, white, blue, brown, or obese. Who needs condoms when you’ve got Penicillin standards when you’ve got a sexual conquest to man up to?

Achievement #4: Fuck the first chick you see today (unless it’s a relative or Perez Hilton).

Hopefully it’s not this chick:

Hotass of the Week: Rima

Girls are like ice cream. They come in innumerable flavors and make a man happy (unless the dude is gay/lactose intolerant, respectively). In my book of sexual conquests I have a whole section dedicated to foreign women such as the 2010 Miss USA winner, Rima Fakih. Though she is arguably the most controversial winner to date, she is also one of the hottest. I honestly have no idea why people are waiting until now to recognize her as an immigrant. With a name like ‘Rima Fakih,’ it’s pretty fucking obvious. Then again, the USA is usually pretty bad with recognizing terrorist names up front [zing!]. This being said, pageant officials have begun to question her morals and not just for the explosions she caused in the loins of many American males. The real issue is a question of her morality due to recently surfaced pole dancing photos which I will gladly share:

If here viable candidacy is a question of being a true American then consider this. All American girls have stripped at least a handful of times in their lives. If not, then those are the ones that should be outcasts. America is a country founded on foreigners and tits, deal with it.

Men are meant to be funny, women to bake.

Say what you will about men and women being equal, but as long as one has estrogen and the other testosterone, we will never be.

Guys blow shit up, start gnarly wars, and are funny.  That’s right, guys, not girls, are funny.  Think about it.  No woman has ever created or said anything funny.  There is always a man behind the joke, and the evidence is overwhelming.

Statistically, scientists (mostly a manly job as they blow shit up instead of just blowing) have shown that testosterone creates humor.  Think about it, again.  A guy sees a girl from across the room.  How does he melt her ice queen heart?  With humor.  Men use humor as a weapon to fuck, which is why we have developed it so well.

Other than shitty female wanna-be comedians who are bored with life, females have no use for comedy.  Go ahead and name a universally accepted comedy created by and starring mostly women that both sexes enjoy.  You can’t!  But if I say Seth Rogen, everyone loses their shit.

The more testosterone you have, the better your joke.  If you don’t have any, go back to making me cookies.

Dude of the Week – Macgruber

I don’t know about you, but for me, Saturday Night Live is either hit or miss, with most of its glory days behind it.

Some skits are amazing and deserve their own films (Wayne’s World), while others (It’s Pat) should have its creators taken out back and skull fucked to death.

This weekend, we are presented with Macgruber, the latest SNL flick.  For those of you that don’t know Macgruber, here’s a recap:

From that, they created this:

Who knows if it will fail or succeed, but I know this much: this film was set to be released in the spring, but because of the overwhelming positive response, it was pushed back to the summer.  It even has an 88% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and that sounds pretty fucking promising.

And so, Macgruber, enjoy your spotlight, or blow it the hell up, just make sure you deliver the laughs.

One Letter Short of Grape

Some girls need to understand the difference between rape and consensual sex. As more criminal cases are reported, the defined lines become blurred. In many cases, the claims are falsified by the bimbos who report them. Reasons may include: the guy was not as desirable as she thought, the performance was bad, or the chick simply wants to ruin the life of an innocent man.

It’s sad to hear claims such as “He forced himself upon me,” or “He seemed like such a nice guy.” Well, it’s hard to force yourself on someone when they’ve already invited you into their abode with NO sign of forced entry. It’s as if to say, “I tried to scream rape, but I couldn’t pronounce the ‘r’ because of the dick that was in my mouth.” Do I think that there are real rape cases out there? Absolutely, but in several circumstances the claims provide no substantial evidence for support.

When I see these shows where the ‘victims’ describe the ‘incidence’ as one of the worst things that’s ever happened to him or quote, “Really frustrating,” I refuse to give those lying bitches my sympathy. If you think I’m being too harsh, then open your eyes. Here are some viable sources:

http://www.falserape.net/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_statistics

Read ‘em and weep (for all the wasted sympathy).

But for now, enjoy this!

Weekend Achievement #3: Denim DJ

I remember the year when Christmas came twice before winter. By Christmas I mean Amanda and by winter I mean getting her pants off. This chick must have wanted it badly. I barely rolled my middle finger over her clit and before I knew it, the pressure from her  jeans got her off. I was feeling cocky, so I went for a two-fer with her Levis still buttoned. The only downside to this was that she returned the favor by taking a fortnight to touch my foreskin (just kidding, I’m circumcised). Anyway, friends, the achievement for this weekend is just that:

Achievement #3
Get a chick to cum before even taking her pants off.

If she starts asking why you’re taking so long to unleash her wizard’s sleeve, but your dick in her mouth. She’ll like that. Let me know how it went and have a hedonistic weekend, you chivalrous bastards.

Babe of the Week: Lea

Glee, from Fox Networks, is an excellent show if your remote control is equipped with a mute button. Maybe it’s just a personal preference because I would rather watch the women of the show participate in illicit sexcapades (rather than hear fags butcher my favorite Beyonce song), but hey, fuck me, right? The sexiest bitch on the show is the one, the only, the prude, (seriously, there was like….one fucking topless picture of her on the entire internet) Lea Michele.

To be honest, I kind of like the fact that this hot piece of ass has few scantily clad pictures. I know what you’re thinking. “Why, Ace? Wouldn’t you rather see this this hot tchochka nekkid?”

The answer is, no! Not knowing what her precious pair of jewbies look like leaves more masturbatory fuel for the imagination. Speaking of which, it’s pretty obvious that Idina Menzel’s character is her TV mommy which gives me a new mother-daughter fantasy. Bwow chicka brown cow! Congrats, Lea. You’re the girl of my (wet) dreams.

Fuck Jillian Michaels (for real)

Are you tired of being fat?  Of course you are!  But what do you do?  You spend countless dollars and time on stupid workout videos instructed by steroid using lesbians.

Well I’m here to tell you about a completely different kind of program.  This program is guaranteed to get you results, and you don’t have to put up with this fag:

How is this possible?  Let me tell you!

Our revolutionary doctors at Yale have confirmed that men have what’s called a penis, and women have these things called vaginas.  When one is inserted into the other, both sides get pleasure, creating a desire to repeat the motion.  Here is their complete report: http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm

What does this mean, you ask?  All you have to do is find the opposite sex and fuck them senseless!  Fuck them as much as possible, and because variety is the spice of life, as many different of them as you’d like!

“But Ace!  I’m fat and ugly and nobody will fuck me!”

Don’t be dumb on top of fat and ugly!  There are others like you!  Start with them and fuck your way to a size zero dress!

I am so confident that my 30 day constant fucking plan will help that I am backing it with an unbeatable guarantee.  If you don’t lose three dress sizes in a month, I will personally fuck you until you do, free of charge!*

E-mail today!

*Applies to chicks only.  If you’re a guy, start fucking yourself.