Men are meant to be funny, women to bake.

19 05 2010

Say what you will about men and women being equal, but as long as one has estrogen and the other testosterone, we will never be.

Guys blow shit up, start gnarly wars, and are funny.  That’s right, guys, not girls, are funny.  Think about it.  No woman has ever created or said anything funny.  There is always a man behind the joke, and the evidence is overwhelming.

Statistically, scientists (mostly a manly job as they blow shit up instead of just blowing) have shown that testosterone creates humor.  Think about it, again.  A guy sees a girl from across the room.  How does he melt her ice queen heart?  With humor.  Men use humor as a weapon to fuck, which is why we have developed it so well.

Other than shitty female wanna-be comedians who are bored with life, females have no use for comedy.  Go ahead and name a universally accepted comedy created by and starring mostly women that both sexes enjoy.  You can’t!  But if I say Seth Rogen, everyone loses their shit.

The more testosterone you have, the better your joke.  If you don’t have any, go back to making me cookies.

Fuck Jillian Michaels (for real)

12 05 2010

Are you tired of being fat?  Of course you are!  But what do you do?  You spend countless dollars and time on stupid workout videos instructed by steroid using lesbians.

Well I’m here to tell you about a completely different kind of program.  This program is guaranteed to get you results, and you don’t have to put up with this fag:

How is this possible?  Let me tell you!

Our revolutionary doctors at Yale have confirmed that men have what’s called a penis, and women have these things called vaginas.  When one is inserted into the other, both sides get pleasure, creating a desire to repeat the motion.  Here is their complete report:

What does this mean, you ask?  All you have to do is find the opposite sex and fuck them senseless!  Fuck them as much as possible, and because variety is the spice of life, as many different of them as you’d like!

“But Ace!  I’m fat and ugly and nobody will fuck me!”

Don’t be dumb on top of fat and ugly!  There are others like you!  Start with them and fuck your way to a size zero dress!

I am so confident that my 30 day constant fucking plan will help that I am backing it with an unbeatable guarantee.  If you don’t lose three dress sizes in a month, I will personally fuck you until you do, free of charge!*

E-mail today!

*Applies to chicks only.  If you’re a guy, start fucking yourself.

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Fuck Jillian Michaels

5 05 2010

What has low fat content, 5-7 calories per serving, and traces of zinc?

Nowadays, many chicks are obsessed with calorie intake and health food. I say, great, if it makes them look more fuckable.

Now, refer to the aforementioned question. The answer isn’t Coke Zero, it’s semen. People like Jillian Michaels need to lay off the wheat grass and take a few shots of the white stuff instead. Not only does it have a recommended amount of vitamins, it’s also great for the skin, and is a potential cure for lesbians of their illness.

I have such faith in its benefits that I might release a health video entitled, “The Thirty Day Load.” It will be a guide for a month long daily dose of concentrated protein that you simply won’t find at your local Jamba Juice.

Here’s another already satisfied customer:

A Full Day's Supply

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Did you Know? The Invention and Reinvention of the Condom

28 04 2010

Evolution has a funny way of working. The first people to roam the planet had some great sex. When intercourse became too raunchy, Mother Nature, in a menstrual jealous rage, developed STDs. In the year 1839, Charles Goodyear skull-fucked MN back into her place with the invention of latex. That’s right boys, the tires you’re rolling around on may have very well been condoms at one point. Apparently others have caught on to recycling condoms as other products:

What’s next, for Michelin to create a mascot resembling a giant ribbed condom?