Weekend Achievement #3: Denim DJ

14 05 2010

I remember the year when Christmas came twice before winter. By Christmas I mean Amanda and by winter I mean getting her pants off. This chick must have wanted it badly. I barely rolled my middle finger over her clit and before I knew it, the pressure from her  jeans got her off. I was feeling cocky, so I went for a two-fer with her Levis still buttoned. The only downside to this was that she returned the favor by taking a fortnight to touch my foreskin (just kidding, I’m circumcised). Anyway, friends, the achievement for this weekend is just that:

Achievement #3
Get a chick to cum before even taking her pants off.

If she starts asking why you’re taking so long to unleash her wizard’s sleeve, but your dick in her mouth. She’ll like that. Let me know how it went and have a hedonistic weekend, you chivalrous bastards.

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Babe of the Week: Lea

13 05 2010

Glee, from Fox Networks, is an excellent show if your remote control is equipped with a mute button. Maybe it’s just a personal preference because I would rather watch the women of the show participate in illicit sexcapades (rather than hear fags butcher my favorite Beyonce song), but hey, fuck me, right? The sexiest bitch on the show is the one, the only, the prude, (seriously, there was like….one fucking topless picture of her on the entire internet) Lea Michele.

To be honest, I kind of like the fact that this hot piece of ass has few scantily clad pictures. I know what you’re thinking. “Why, Ace? Wouldn’t you rather see this this hot tchochka nekkid?”

The answer is, no! Not knowing what her precious pair of jewbies look like leaves more masturbatory fuel for the imagination. Speaking of which, it’s pretty obvious that Idina Menzel’s character is her TV mommy which gives me a new mother-daughter fantasy. Bwow chicka brown cow! Congrats, Lea. You’re the girl of my (wet) dreams.

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Fuck Jillian Michaels (for real)

12 05 2010

Are you tired of being fat?  Of course you are!  But what do you do?  You spend countless dollars and time on stupid workout videos instructed by steroid using lesbians.

Well I’m here to tell you about a completely different kind of program.  This program is guaranteed to get you results, and you don’t have to put up with this fag:

How is this possible?  Let me tell you!

Our revolutionary doctors at Yale have confirmed that men have what’s called a penis, and women have these things called vaginas.  When one is inserted into the other, both sides get pleasure, creating a desire to repeat the motion.  Here is their complete report: http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm

What does this mean, you ask?  All you have to do is find the opposite sex and fuck them senseless!  Fuck them as much as possible, and because variety is the spice of life, as many different of them as you’d like!

“But Ace!  I’m fat and ugly and nobody will fuck me!”

Don’t be dumb on top of fat and ugly!  There are others like you!  Start with them and fuck your way to a size zero dress!

I am so confident that my 30 day constant fucking plan will help that I am backing it with an unbeatable guarantee.  If you don’t lose three dress sizes in a month, I will personally fuck you until you do, free of charge!*

E-mail today!

*Applies to chicks only.  If you’re a guy, start fucking yourself.

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Dude of the Week: God (My Definition)

11 05 2010

Story time:

Once upon a time Jesus was born. He turned water into wine and his followers into livestock. Shortly thereafter, a certain hammer wielding badass named Thor nailed that fucker to a cross. He then stole the cattle to lead his kick-ass chariot. His father, Anthony Hopkins Odin, was proud. His son was a true god. The hammer: it continues to serve as a phallic extension of Norse Culture. It’s no wonder that a blog post movie is being made in his honor.

The only question is: who’s world will he be fucking up in the film? Will it be Loki, Destroyer, or some other wannabe religious figure (zombie Jesus, maybe)?

All Your Gods Are Belong to Us

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A Modest Proposal

10 05 2010

This weekend was a bit of an annoying one for me though I completed the weekend achievement quite easily.  As you all know, another Mother’s day came and went, and in the midst of all the sudden feelings we remember we ever had for our moms emerged, a different feeling slowly crept its way into my thoughts.

What the fuck are today’s mothers doing to our youth?

I went into a McDonald’s and had to wait for my Big Mac meal while enduring the cries of a little boy who wanted a happy meal.  I chuckled to myself knowing that the mom would soon do her parenting job and beat him, but the beating never came!  Instead, the little shit got exactly what he wanted, immediately got bored of it, and repeated the process all over again with a new “want”.

As you can imagine, I did the responsible thing and told the kid Santa was in my trunk, dead, then left the place satisfied.  Unfortunately, it opened my eyes to a bigger, growing problem we are all facing.

Because women tend to raise the kids (use any argument you want, we’re still old-fashioned) they highly influence how the child will grow up.  Nowadays, children are turning into bratty, snobby, stupid little prima donna bitches who will more than likely accomplish nothing great in their lifetime.

So mothers, I ask you, what the fuck is going on?

My mother raised me as all children should be raised.  On weekends, we would practice holding my breath underwater with mum deciding when I came up for air.  Instead of going to summer camp, my mother would drop me off in the woods with a six-pack of Gatorade and a knife.  She would give me the time and coordinates where I would meet her and if I didn’t arrive on time, unharmed, I would be in serious trouble.  I’m not talking about “no Spongebob tonight” kind of trouble.  I’m talking about beatings with a medieval mace kind of trouble.

The result of my mother’s tough parenthood was a man who is ready and willing to take on the world.  A man who questions everything.  A man who sees both sides of the story and challenges you every weekend.  A man who has his words published and available for all to read.  A man who is not ashamed to say that when a girl asks him to cum anywhere he would like, he proudly aims for her face.

Mothers, your day yesterday was well deserved, but for the love of our children’s future, quit raising pussies.  We do not want a world ran by dudes like this one:

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Weekend Achievement #2 – Spread the Love

7 05 2010

I got a lot of shit thrown my way after last week’s achievement.  People told me, “Ace!  What’s the deal?  The only way you can get a double BJ is to be a pimp or a porn star!” 

For once, I will admit that it was a little far fetched, but I still stand by my belief that any guy can accomplish this.  All he needs is a little confidence, a lot of liquid courage in him, and a bachelorette party in Vegas.  Plus, I bet most of you fuckers didn’t even try to accomplish it.

Wednesday’s post gave me a great idea for this week’s achievement. 

Weekend Achievement #2: Give a girl a facial.

Don’t be a smartass and mention avocado spread.  You know damn right what I’m talking about.  Find a random girl to spread your seed, or give your wife that gift she never wanted to accept.  Either way, write how it went.  I want to know if it was welcomed or if you have a restraining order because of it.

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Chick of the Week – May 6th

6 05 2010

I was contemplating who to pick for chick of the week this week when a commercial came on.  After the commercial was over, I had my winner.

Any chick that allows a guy to touch her boobs because he’s gay is going to be an easy lay.   With Iron Man 2 hitting theaters this week, Scarlett Johansson is sure to turn some ordinary teenagers into rock hard Iron Men.  Congratulations!

Also, I would like to extend a very warm greeting to Sarah Baram, a fellow blogger.  Although her writing (and comments) tend to be full of grammatical errors and mediocre at best, Sarah is an aspiring writer who is attending college (and apparently, as she gets by with sugar packets from Starbucks,  has horrible teeth).  As most college students, Sarah is delusional about the real world, and is dying to move to New York City, where there is a great melting pot of starving artists.  Her book about a cocaine junkie hallucinating a fictitious love sounds boring as hell.   Sarah, thank you for providing the wordpress community with yet another shitty blog (http://sarahbaram.wordpress.com/).

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