Hotass of the Week: Rima

19 05 2010

Girls are like ice cream. They come in innumerable flavors and make a man happy (unless the dude is gay/lactose intolerant, respectively). In my book of sexual conquests I have a whole section dedicated to foreign women such as the 2010 Miss USA winner, Rima Fakih. Though she is arguably the most controversial winner to date, she is also one of the hottest. I honestly have no idea why people are waiting until now to recognize her as an immigrant. With a name like ‘Rima Fakih,’ it’s pretty fucking obvious. Then again, the USA is usually pretty bad with recognizing terrorist names up front [zing!]. This being said, pageant officials have begun to question her morals and not just for the explosions she caused in the loins of many American males. The real issue is a question of her morality due to recently surfaced pole dancing photos which I will gladly share:

If here viable candidacy is a question of being a true American then consider this. All American girls have stripped at least a handful of times in their lives. If not, then those are the ones that should be outcasts. America is a country founded on foreigners and tits, deal with it.





Men are meant to be funny, women to bake.

19 05 2010

Say what you will about men and women being equal, but as long as one has estrogen and the other testosterone, we will never be.

Guys blow shit up, start gnarly wars, and are funny.  That’s right, guys, not girls, are funny.  Think about it.  No woman has ever created or said anything funny.  There is always a man behind the joke, and the evidence is overwhelming.

Statistically, scientists (mostly a manly job as they blow shit up instead of just blowing) have shown that testosterone creates humor.  Think about it, again.  A guy sees a girl from across the room.  How does he melt her ice queen heart?  With humor.  Men use humor as a weapon to fuck, which is why we have developed it so well.

Other than shitty female wanna-be comedians who are bored with life, females have no use for comedy.  Go ahead and name a universally accepted comedy created by and starring mostly women that both sexes enjoy.  You can’t!  But if I say Seth Rogen, everyone loses their shit.

The more testosterone you have, the better your joke.  If you don’t have any, go back to making me cookies.





Dude of the Week – Macgruber

18 05 2010

I don’t know about you, but for me, Saturday Night Live is either hit or miss, with most of its glory days behind it.

Some skits are amazing and deserve their own films (Wayne’s World), while others (It’s Pat) should have its creators taken out back and skull fucked to death.

This weekend, we are presented with Macgruber, the latest SNL flick.  For those of you that don’t know Macgruber, here’s a recap:

From that, they created this:

Who knows if it will fail or succeed, but I know this much: this film was set to be released in the spring, but because of the overwhelming positive response, it was pushed back to the summer.  It even has an 88% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and that sounds pretty fucking promising.

And so, Macgruber, enjoy your spotlight, or blow it the hell up, just make sure you deliver the laughs.
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Fuck Jillian Michaels (for real)

12 05 2010

Are you tired of being fat?  Of course you are!  But what do you do?  You spend countless dollars and time on stupid workout videos instructed by steroid using lesbians.

Well I’m here to tell you about a completely different kind of program.  This program is guaranteed to get you results, and you don’t have to put up with this fag:

How is this possible?  Let me tell you!

Our revolutionary doctors at Yale have confirmed that men have what’s called a penis, and women have these things called vaginas.  When one is inserted into the other, both sides get pleasure, creating a desire to repeat the motion.  Here is their complete report: http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm

What does this mean, you ask?  All you have to do is find the opposite sex and fuck them senseless!  Fuck them as much as possible, and because variety is the spice of life, as many different of them as you’d like!

“But Ace!  I’m fat and ugly and nobody will fuck me!”

Don’t be dumb on top of fat and ugly!  There are others like you!  Start with them and fuck your way to a size zero dress!

I am so confident that my 30 day constant fucking plan will help that I am backing it with an unbeatable guarantee.  If you don’t lose three dress sizes in a month, I will personally fuck you until you do, free of charge!*

E-mail today!

*Applies to chicks only.  If you’re a guy, start fucking yourself.

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A Modest Proposal

10 05 2010

This weekend was a bit of an annoying one for me though I completed the weekend achievement quite easily.  As you all know, another Mother’s day came and went, and in the midst of all the sudden feelings we remember we ever had for our moms emerged, a different feeling slowly crept its way into my thoughts.

What the fuck are today’s mothers doing to our youth?

I went into a McDonald’s and had to wait for my Big Mac meal while enduring the cries of a little boy who wanted a happy meal.  I chuckled to myself knowing that the mom would soon do her parenting job and beat him, but the beating never came!  Instead, the little shit got exactly what he wanted, immediately got bored of it, and repeated the process all over again with a new “want”.

As you can imagine, I did the responsible thing and told the kid Santa was in my trunk, dead, then left the place satisfied.  Unfortunately, it opened my eyes to a bigger, growing problem we are all facing.

Because women tend to raise the kids (use any argument you want, we’re still old-fashioned) they highly influence how the child will grow up.  Nowadays, children are turning into bratty, snobby, stupid little prima donna bitches who will more than likely accomplish nothing great in their lifetime.

So mothers, I ask you, what the fuck is going on?

My mother raised me as all children should be raised.  On weekends, we would practice holding my breath underwater with mum deciding when I came up for air.  Instead of going to summer camp, my mother would drop me off in the woods with a six-pack of Gatorade and a knife.  She would give me the time and coordinates where I would meet her and if I didn’t arrive on time, unharmed, I would be in serious trouble.  I’m not talking about “no Spongebob tonight” kind of trouble.  I’m talking about beatings with a medieval mace kind of trouble.

The result of my mother’s tough parenthood was a man who is ready and willing to take on the world.  A man who questions everything.  A man who sees both sides of the story and challenges you every weekend.  A man who has his words published and available for all to read.  A man who is not ashamed to say that when a girl asks him to cum anywhere he would like, he proudly aims for her face.

Mothers, your day yesterday was well deserved, but for the love of our children’s future, quit raising pussies.  We do not want a world ran by dudes like this one:

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Weekend Achievement #2 – Spread the Love

7 05 2010

I got a lot of shit thrown my way after last week’s achievement.  People told me, “Ace!  What’s the deal?  The only way you can get a double BJ is to be a pimp or a porn star!” 

For once, I will admit that it was a little far fetched, but I still stand by my belief that any guy can accomplish this.  All he needs is a little confidence, a lot of liquid courage in him, and a bachelorette party in Vegas.  Plus, I bet most of you fuckers didn’t even try to accomplish it.

Wednesday’s post gave me a great idea for this week’s achievement. 

Weekend Achievement #2: Give a girl a facial.

Don’t be a smartass and mention avocado spread.  You know damn right what I’m talking about.  Find a random girl to spread your seed, or give your wife that gift she never wanted to accept.  Either way, write how it went.  I want to know if it was welcomed or if you have a restraining order because of it.

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Chick of the Week – May 6th

6 05 2010

I was contemplating who to pick for chick of the week this week when a commercial came on.  After the commercial was over, I had my winner.

Any chick that allows a guy to touch her boobs because he’s gay is going to be an easy lay.   With Iron Man 2 hitting theaters this week, Scarlett Johansson is sure to turn some ordinary teenagers into rock hard Iron Men.  Congratulations!

Also, I would like to extend a very warm greeting to Sarah Baram, a fellow blogger.  Although her writing (and comments) tend to be full of grammatical errors and mediocre at best, Sarah is an aspiring writer who is attending college (and apparently, as she gets by with sugar packets from Starbucks,  has horrible teeth).  As most college students, Sarah is delusional about the real world, and is dying to move to New York City, where there is a great melting pot of starving artists.  Her book about a cocaine junkie hallucinating a fictitious love sounds boring as hell.   Sarah, thank you for providing the wordpress community with yet another shitty blog (http://sarahbaram.wordpress.com/).

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