Men are meant to be funny, women to bake.

19 05 2010

Say what you will about men and women being equal, but as long as one has estrogen and the other testosterone, we will never be.

Guys blow shit up, start gnarly wars, and are funny.  That’s right, guys, not girls, are funny.  Think about it.  No woman has ever created or said anything funny.  There is always a man behind the joke, and the evidence is overwhelming.

Statistically, scientists (mostly a manly job as they blow shit up instead of just blowing) have shown that testosterone creates humor.  Think about it, again.  A guy sees a girl from across the room.  How does he melt her ice queen heart?  With humor.  Men use humor as a weapon to fuck, which is why we have developed it so well.

Other than shitty female wanna-be comedians who are bored with life, females have no use for comedy.  Go ahead and name a universally accepted comedy created by and starring mostly women that both sexes enjoy.  You can’t!  But if I say Seth Rogen, everyone loses their shit.

The more testosterone you have, the better your joke.  If you don’t have any, go back to making me cookies.

Dude of the Week: God (My Definition)

11 05 2010

Story time:

Once upon a time Jesus was born. He turned water into wine and his followers into livestock. Shortly thereafter, a certain hammer wielding badass named Thor nailed that fucker to a cross. He then stole the cattle to lead his kick-ass chariot. His father, Anthony Hopkins Odin, was proud. His son was a true god. The hammer: it continues to serve as a phallic extension of Norse Culture. It’s no wonder that a blog post movie is being made in his honor.

The only question is: who’s world will he be fucking up in the film? Will it be Loki, Destroyer, or some other wannabe religious figure (zombie Jesus, maybe)?

All Your Gods Are Belong to Us

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A Modest Proposal

10 05 2010

This weekend was a bit of an annoying one for me though I completed the weekend achievement quite easily.  As you all know, another Mother’s day came and went, and in the midst of all the sudden feelings we remember we ever had for our moms emerged, a different feeling slowly crept its way into my thoughts.

What the fuck are today’s mothers doing to our youth?

I went into a McDonald’s and had to wait for my Big Mac meal while enduring the cries of a little boy who wanted a happy meal.  I chuckled to myself knowing that the mom would soon do her parenting job and beat him, but the beating never came!  Instead, the little shit got exactly what he wanted, immediately got bored of it, and repeated the process all over again with a new “want”.

As you can imagine, I did the responsible thing and told the kid Santa was in my trunk, dead, then left the place satisfied.  Unfortunately, it opened my eyes to a bigger, growing problem we are all facing.

Because women tend to raise the kids (use any argument you want, we’re still old-fashioned) they highly influence how the child will grow up.  Nowadays, children are turning into bratty, snobby, stupid little prima donna bitches who will more than likely accomplish nothing great in their lifetime.

So mothers, I ask you, what the fuck is going on?

My mother raised me as all children should be raised.  On weekends, we would practice holding my breath underwater with mum deciding when I came up for air.  Instead of going to summer camp, my mother would drop me off in the woods with a six-pack of Gatorade and a knife.  She would give me the time and coordinates where I would meet her and if I didn’t arrive on time, unharmed, I would be in serious trouble.  I’m not talking about “no Spongebob tonight” kind of trouble.  I’m talking about beatings with a medieval mace kind of trouble.

The result of my mother’s tough parenthood was a man who is ready and willing to take on the world.  A man who questions everything.  A man who sees both sides of the story and challenges you every weekend.  A man who has his words published and available for all to read.  A man who is not ashamed to say that when a girl asks him to cum anywhere he would like, he proudly aims for her face.

Mothers, your day yesterday was well deserved, but for the love of our children’s future, quit raising pussies.  We do not want a world ran by dudes like this one:

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Weekend Achievement #2 – Spread the Love

7 05 2010

I got a lot of shit thrown my way after last week’s achievement.  People told me, “Ace!  What’s the deal?  The only way you can get a double BJ is to be a pimp or a porn star!” 

For once, I will admit that it was a little far fetched, but I still stand by my belief that any guy can accomplish this.  All he needs is a little confidence, a lot of liquid courage in him, and a bachelorette party in Vegas.  Plus, I bet most of you fuckers didn’t even try to accomplish it.

Wednesday’s post gave me a great idea for this week’s achievement. 

Weekend Achievement #2: Give a girl a facial.

Don’t be a smartass and mention avocado spread.  You know damn right what I’m talking about.  Find a random girl to spread your seed, or give your wife that gift she never wanted to accept.  Either way, write how it went.  I want to know if it was welcomed or if you have a restraining order because of it.

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Fuck Jillian Michaels

5 05 2010

What has low fat content, 5-7 calories per serving, and traces of zinc?

Nowadays, many chicks are obsessed with calorie intake and health food. I say, great, if it makes them look more fuckable.

Now, refer to the aforementioned question. The answer isn’t Coke Zero, it’s semen. People like Jillian Michaels need to lay off the wheat grass and take a few shots of the white stuff instead. Not only does it have a recommended amount of vitamins, it’s also great for the skin, and is a potential cure for lesbians of their illness.

I have such faith in its benefits that I might release a health video entitled, “The Thirty Day Load.” It will be a guide for a month long daily dose of concentrated protein that you simply won’t find at your local Jamba Juice.

Here’s another already satisfied customer:

A Full Day's Supply

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Letting Her Down Gently

3 05 2010

So it’s Monday and I’m back from a long weekend. I’ve been nailing this chick in such a way that would make Jesus, a carpenter, proud. I made my intentions and the intentions of my dick, which has a mind of its own, very clear. We both just wanted to get wet, but this psycho wanted more. She wouldn’t stop with the relationship talk. Plus, she wasn’t into the whole threesome thing which meant there was no way I could accomplish the double BJ sandwich achievement with her. I had to let her down gently…in an e-mail because I’m too much of a pussy to do it face to face. To retain any sort of dignity I may have lost in doing so…ahh fuck it. Here’s the letter, I know you’re all anxious to read it:

“It’s not you, it’s me. I’m going to change, though. For the better. They say that if you truly love something you can let it go and if it comes back to you then it was meant to be. I don’t mean to insult you by insinuating that you’re a pronoun (it). I just think that our time is dwindling and that the hourglass is past half empty…for now. That may change in time or it may not. I guess what I’m trying to say can be best summed up by the great poet, Gwenivere. “If I could be sweet…I know I’ve been a real bad girl. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt.” I’m sorry for making love…out of nothing at all. Goodbye, Mel”

“PS Please keep in touch so we can still fuck. K, bai.
Sent from my iPhone”

Have you ever had to break up with someone via e-mail? If so then let me know how it went. If not, then you have no business intruding in this conversation, fuckface.

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Hotass of the Week: Jelena

29 04 2010

The most romantic thing for a girl usually resembles chocolates or roses. For me, as a guy, the most heart warming objects that melt my insides every time are titties. They always know how to get the strongest muscle in my body beating (my cock). A gal with a truly good pair is the one, the only, Jelena Jensen:

Flame On

I once heard that women shit roses. If that’s true, I’d fuck the roses out of her.