Fuck Jillian Michaels (for real)

12 05 2010

Are you tired of being fat?  Of course you are!  But what do you do?  You spend countless dollars and time on stupid workout videos instructed by steroid using lesbians.

Well I’m here to tell you about a completely different kind of program.  This program is guaranteed to get you results, and you don’t have to put up with this fag:

How is this possible?  Let me tell you!

Our revolutionary doctors at Yale have confirmed that men have what’s called a penis, and women have these things called vaginas.  When one is inserted into the other, both sides get pleasure, creating a desire to repeat the motion.  Here is their complete report: http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm

What does this mean, you ask?  All you have to do is find the opposite sex and fuck them senseless!  Fuck them as much as possible, and because variety is the spice of life, as many different of them as you’d like!

“But Ace!  I’m fat and ugly and nobody will fuck me!”

Don’t be dumb on top of fat and ugly!  There are others like you!  Start with them and fuck your way to a size zero dress!

I am so confident that my 30 day constant fucking plan will help that I am backing it with an unbeatable guarantee.  If you don’t lose three dress sizes in a month, I will personally fuck you until you do, free of charge!*

E-mail today!

*Applies to chicks only.  If you’re a guy, start fucking yourself.

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Fuck Jillian Michaels

5 05 2010

What has low fat content, 5-7 calories per serving, and traces of zinc?

Nowadays, many chicks are obsessed with calorie intake and health food. I say, great, if it makes them look more fuckable.

Now, refer to the aforementioned question. The answer isn’t Coke Zero, it’s semen. People like Jillian Michaels need to lay off the wheat grass and take a few shots of the white stuff instead. Not only does it have a recommended amount of vitamins, it’s also great for the skin, and is a potential cure for lesbians of their illness.

I have such faith in its benefits that I might release a health video entitled, “The Thirty Day Load.” It will be a guide for a month long daily dose of concentrated protein that you simply won’t find at your local Jamba Juice.

Here’s another already satisfied customer:

A Full Day's Supply

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Badass of the Week: Steven

27 04 2010

Name one person who has never had their ponytail tugged during the act of fucking. His name is Steven Seagal. This guy probably gets more pussy than a lesbian at a Suicide Girls convention. What you didn’t know is that he’s a famous musician.

Say what you will, but this guy invented the word ho and holds the current ho record (3.5 billion bitches to date).