Hotass of the Week: Rima

19 05 2010

Girls are like ice cream. They come in innumerable flavors and make a man happy (unless the dude is gay/lactose intolerant, respectively). In my book of sexual conquests I have a whole section dedicated to foreign women such as the 2010 Miss USA winner, Rima Fakih. Though she is arguably the most controversial winner to date, she is also one of the hottest. I honestly have no idea why people are waiting until now to recognize her as an immigrant. With a name like ‘Rima Fakih,’ it’s pretty fucking obvious. Then again, the USA is usually pretty bad with recognizing terrorist names up front [zing!]. This being said, pageant officials have begun to question her morals and not just for the explosions she caused in the loins of many American males. The real issue is a question of her morality due to recently surfaced pole dancing photos which I will gladly share:

If here viable candidacy is a question of being a true American then consider this. All American girls have stripped at least a handful of times in their lives. If not, then those are the ones that should be outcasts. America is a country founded on foreigners and tits, deal with it.

Men are meant to be funny, women to bake.

19 05 2010

Say what you will about men and women being equal, but as long as one has estrogen and the other testosterone, we will never be.

Guys blow shit up, start gnarly wars, and are funny.  That’s right, guys, not girls, are funny.  Think about it.  No woman has ever created or said anything funny.  There is always a man behind the joke, and the evidence is overwhelming.

Statistically, scientists (mostly a manly job as they blow shit up instead of just blowing) have shown that testosterone creates humor.  Think about it, again.  A guy sees a girl from across the room.  How does he melt her ice queen heart?  With humor.  Men use humor as a weapon to fuck, which is why we have developed it so well.

Other than shitty female wanna-be comedians who are bored with life, females have no use for comedy.  Go ahead and name a universally accepted comedy created by and starring mostly women that both sexes enjoy.  You can’t!  But if I say Seth Rogen, everyone loses their shit.

The more testosterone you have, the better your joke.  If you don’t have any, go back to making me cookies.

Babe of the Week: Lea

13 05 2010

Glee, from Fox Networks, is an excellent show if your remote control is equipped with a mute button. Maybe it’s just a personal preference because I would rather watch the women of the show participate in illicit sexcapades (rather than hear fags butcher my favorite Beyonce song), but hey, fuck me, right? The sexiest bitch on the show is the one, the only, the prude, (seriously, there was like….one fucking topless picture of her on the entire internet) Lea Michele.

To be honest, I kind of like the fact that this hot piece of ass has few scantily clad pictures. I know what you’re thinking. “Why, Ace? Wouldn’t you rather see this this hot tchochka nekkid?”

The answer is, no! Not knowing what her precious pair of jewbies look like leaves more masturbatory fuel for the imagination. Speaking of which, it’s pretty obvious that Idina Menzel’s character is her TV mommy which gives me a new mother-daughter fantasy. Bwow chicka brown cow! Congrats, Lea. You’re the girl of my (wet) dreams.

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Chick of the Week – May 6th

6 05 2010

I was contemplating who to pick for chick of the week this week when a commercial came on.  After the commercial was over, I had my winner.

Any chick that allows a guy to touch her boobs because he’s gay is going to be an easy lay.   With Iron Man 2 hitting theaters this week, Scarlett Johansson is sure to turn some ordinary teenagers into rock hard Iron Men.  Congratulations!

Also, I would like to extend a very warm greeting to Sarah Baram, a fellow blogger.  Although her writing (and comments) tend to be full of grammatical errors and mediocre at best, Sarah is an aspiring writer who is attending college (and apparently, as she gets by with sugar packets from Starbucks,  has horrible teeth).  As most college students, Sarah is delusional about the real world, and is dying to move to New York City, where there is a great melting pot of starving artists.  Her book about a cocaine junkie hallucinating a fictitious love sounds boring as hell.   Sarah, thank you for providing the wordpress community with yet another shitty blog (

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Dude(s) of the week – May 4th

4 05 2010

I love Lady Gaga.

No, it’s not because she’s a talented musician, or even close to being remotely cute.   In fact, I sometimes doubt what lies between her (its) legs.

I love Lady Gaga because the bitches go crazy for Lady Gaga.  Go out to any bar, club, even house party after 10pm that has a DJ and you will see what I mean.  When Lady Gaga goes on, ladies lose their shit and air hump anything on the dance floor.  This makes the hunting easy, as they all become the retarded zebra in the back of the pack.

Now I’m not saying that Lady Gaga will be the dude of the week.  In fact, she’ll never become the dude or chick of the week until I see her fully naked in person. No, the dude(s) of the week are the brave men serving our country overseas.

Not only are these guys out there in the hot desert sand, serving our country, shooting the bad guys in the fucking face and chewing bubble gum, but they are geniuses.  Every single one of these guys will get laid.  Why?  Look at how they rock out to Lady Gaga! And as we previously went over, lady gaga makes bitches lose their shit.  Do the math.

I envy the size of their balls and wish them a safe return home.

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Hotass of the Week: Jelena

29 04 2010

The most romantic thing for a girl usually resembles chocolates or roses. For me, as a guy, the most heart warming objects that melt my insides every time are titties. They always know how to get the strongest muscle in my body beating (my cock). A gal with a truly good pair is the one, the only, Jelena Jensen:

Flame On

I once heard that women shit roses. If that’s true, I’d fuck the roses out of her.